Tenth Week, More Than A Little Weak

SO!  I, apparently, can’t bleeding do video assignments on my laptop, anymore.  Why?  Movie Maker keeps crashing my damned display driver.  Piece of ATI garbage; there’s a fucking reason nobody even remembers their name, anymore.

I managed to get one video done.  Note for next time: do this shit on the desktop, it might be damn near as old as my laptop, but at least the graphics card isn’t a steaming pile of manure.

Okay, let’s get into the content before I gnaw someone’s arms off.  Probably my own.

I’m Learnding! (And So Can You)

The first, and only, video I managed to actually get rendered.  I had plans to do the lyric video and movie mash assignments, but that’s neither here nor there.  I really am enjoying learning Fortran, as much as it can frustrate me, at times.  The story of how I first learned programming is actually somewhat worth telling.

I was a curious kid in 7th grade.  Hell, I still am.  But, I got a couple games and stuff for my old TI-83+ calculator.  Some of ’em were in z80 assembly and, thus, were utterly illegible.  However, some weren’t.  I cracked open one of my friend’s games (I forget which one) and things just kinda…clicked.  It made sense.  So, I made some programs to help me with math classes throughout the years, slowly building up my understanding of the basics until I started learning Visual BASIC in 9th grade.  That kind of gave me a kick start into learning PC programming and started a fire and love that burns to this day.  No matter how jaded, bitter, or depressed I get, I can still find some comfort in how…enjoyable, I guess, it is to write some strange combinations of words and symbols and have it come together into something I built for a specific purpose.  Its one of the few things that kept me going through the worst years of my life, and it brings me joy every day.

With little fanfare come Daily Creates.  This was basically me, trying to get my videos to render on my laptop.  I wasn’t so bad that I’d get a noise violation from the people that run my apartment building, but…let’s just say that it was unpleasant.

Maybe I can eke a few points out of something personal.

I suffer from more than a few psychological ailments.  Chief amongst them are a combination of depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder.  Forget the bullshit you see on shows like Monk.  OCD isn’t just ritualistic behaviours like constantly flicking the lights or washing your hands.  One of its less visible symptoms is unstoppable, intrusive thoughts.  Horrible things.  Things that, were I to commit them to anything other than the oral tradition, would likely get me on more than a few watchlists.  Violent things that’d make me look like a raving psychotic.

The thing is, I knew from an early age that those things are bad.  Heaven knows, I have a fucking conscience, one that started functioning a hell of a lot earlier than my contemporaries.  Its one of the few truly good things about me.  The problem is, I thought those thoughts were just…me.  Me lashing out at the little bastards hurting me in school, making my life hell because I wasn’t a fucking stereotype.  Doing things that, to this day, engender a hatred and anger in me so deep that it fucking scares me.

I hate bullies.

But, more than them, I hate myself.

I hate those thoughts.  Especially when they come without warning, which they almost always do.  They make me hate myself.  They make me feel like I’m a monster, even though I know I’m not.  It has gotten easier with time…and no small amount of help from my fiancee.  But, there’s times the things that force themselves into my mind frighten me.  They make me feel like I’m losing it, some days.  Like there’s no hope for me.  Not that I’d ever give into them, but…they hurt me.  They make it hard to live with myself.  They make me question myself and my motivations almost constantly.

That is what OCD can be like, kids.  It doesn’t make me a mental Superman.  It does help me with my work, sometimes.  Most of the time?  It is the single greatest source of self-loathing I have in my arsenal.  Most of the time, it is worse than unhelpful.

 

…That’s all I’ve got.  If my laptop’s video card weren’t a shit pile, I’d have a nice lyric video of Lilium from Elfen Lied and a mash-up for CPSC106 sourced from either Game of Thrones or Dragon Ball Z.  Maybe next week, huh?

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